


They Don't Understand

by Orrymain



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Missing Scene, Relationship(s), Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-10-05
Updated: 2003-10-05
Packaged: 2019-03-16 12:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13636608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orrymain/pseuds/Orrymain
Summary: Daniel talks about his relationship with Jack, remembering points in time over their history and reflects on why people don't understand them.





	They Don't Understand

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Boy / Michael Shanks](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Boy_Fanfiction_Archive), wand was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Boy / Michael Shanks collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/theboymichaelshanks/profile).

They Don't Understand

### They Don't Understand

#### by Orrymain

Date Archived: 10/05/03  
Website: http://home.comcas.net/~JackandDaniel  
Status: Complete  
Category: Drama, Humor, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Relationship, Slash, Missing Scene  
Characters/Pairings: Col. Jack O'Neill, Dr. Daniel Jackson     Jack/Daniel         
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7  
Permission to archive: TheBoy  
Series: They Don't Understand  
Notes:   
Warnings:   
Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. This was a whim; all in fun. I don't have anything to do with them legally at all!   
  
Summary: Daniel talks about his relationship with Jack, remembering points in time over their history and reflects on why people don't understand them.   


* * *

Title: They Don't Understand  
Author: Orrymain  
Category: Slash, Missing Scene/Epilogue, POV -- I think there's some drama, some angst, some humor, some romantic fluff, some h/c ..... geez, the thing covers 8 years so there's a little bit of everything, including a few missing scenes with dialogue and not just a talking Daniel! Pairing: Jack/Daniel .... and it's all J/D with some Sam because she was definitely needed to get through seasons 3 and primarily 4. Others get some mentions and play into the story, but it's strictly a J/D story from start to finish. Rating: PG-13 I suppose; the whole piece is about their relationship but there's nothing more active than kissing, hugging, snuggling and the like and just innuendo about what else goes on so there is nothing graphic or in the language or terminology that is over the top, so to speak. Spoilers: I originally tried to do a list, but it's basically the entire dadgum series up to now (episode 6 of season 7), some quite a bit, some you'll notice, some you'll miss if you don't pay attention, but I'd say a good 80% of the shows are covered in one way or another. Size: 107kb  
Written: July 13, 2003 from 9am to 7pm (have to note this for my own red letter day celebration - can't believe I did it); my first totally complete fan fic (I did one rewrite on my webpage once for Fire and Water, but this is an out and out fan fic and I'm shocked at me!); Revised July 15, 2003 when I convinced Daniel that he needed to share even more of his story! Tweaked and Revised through July 19, 2003 when Danny decided to add just a tad more (the boy is such a talker!). Final Revision July 27, 2003. Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. This was a whim; all in fun. I don't have anything to do with them legally at all! Summary: Daniel talks about his relationship with Jack, remembering points in time over their history and reflects on why people don't understand them. 

They Don't Understand  
by Orrymain 

People look in through the glass, through the window, and think they see, that they know what our lives are like, but they don't; they don't understand. Sometimes, they see only what they expect to see, with preconceived notions of who we are and what we stand for, and sometimes they enter wanting to put their own agendas and feelings into our reality. There have been times when they've seen exactly what we wanted them to, and then there were the times when they simply ignored "us" and saw the empty half of the cup. They don't understand. We are one, My Jack and I, and no one truly understands, except for us. You see, we see the full half of the cup, even at our worst. Even when we fight, at the end of the day, what consumes us is what we have, not what we've lost or the differences in our jobs which so often finds us in very loud discourses of disagreement. We openly and visually defy the "norm" of our societies. 

Sometimes, even we don't understand it fully. We are so outside the "norm", that it's scary. There was a time when even our friends believed we were enemies, that the arguments and distance of the day carried over to the night. They don't understand. They can't. But some things are meant to be cherished, accepted, trusted, and appreciated simply because they are, because they exist. 

My Jack and I can both be accused of over thinking. We've nearly done ourselves in more times than I care to remember. We both are no strangers to running from ourselves, but several years ago, almost without being aware of it, we ran into each other, while running from ourselves, and somehow, we merged. Every fabric of our being stopped being two separate entities, and instead became "us". If you think that sounds weird, just imagine how it felt to us, two grown men, secure in our established identities, suddenly thrown into the totality of another person, a person who became "us". They don't understand this complexity, this uniqueness, this completion that carries us through the storms as well as the sunshine; that it is this oneness or unity that makes our lives one very long, colorful, magnificent rainbow. 

When they look through the mirror, they see the colonel, the special forces trained officer, trained to do, not to question; they see the military essence, the man with the P90, the leader, the protector, the man doing the job given to him by the president of the good ole USA. Some know of his history, the time of torture and worse in Iraq, the death of Charlie, the divorce from Sara, the invasion of the goa'uld that resulted in the death of his then best friend Kawalsky. 

My Jack is a doer, a man of action. He plays dumb, and they believe. How dumb is that? The truth is that the colonel who owns my heart is also one of the smartest people I know. His training has taught him to be able to think swiftly, to come up with solutions in a matter of moments, to make decisions in the blinking of an eye, because the choices he makes could mean his life, those of his teammates or others under his command, and so often, innocents placed in the way of battle. 

My Jack, though, is the ultimate survivor who outlasts, outwits and outplays those who attempt to get in his, in our, way as we explore and protect not just Earth, but the planets we befriend. Playing dumb is a skill, a finely honed skill. It drives me crazy, but I love to tease him. So few realize the truth. General Hammond knows, of course; even Harry Maybourne realizes the genius in Jack, but to most others, they accept what they see, what Jack lets them see. It's part of the game that makes him survive, and that's a-okay by me! 

And me? Everyone knows the sadness that has been so prevalent in my life. Watching my parents die when I was 8, being abandoned by Nick, a grandfather in name only who refused to allow me to be adopted which meant years and years of being shuffled around the foster care system, feeling lost and totally alone. I learned to protect myself from hurt during these years, to shut out everyone in most every way except for the surface. There was the failure of Sarah (funny how My Love and I both had our own Sara/Sarah in our history), and the laughter that threw me out of the world of academia, and then there was Sha're, beautiful and mysterious Sha're. I lost her, too, just like my parents and Nick and Sarah. 

There has been so much loss for both Jack and I, so much pain. We both try to hide it, to bury it in our subconscious minds. There was a time when Jack let his pain rule him. That's when I met My Jack, before he was My Jack, when he was just Jack. Somehow, he was never Colonel O'Neill to me. The instant we met, the moment of our first look, something happened. How can they understand when even we can't understand how in a moment of time, we were suddenly Jack and Daniel, two opposites who would soon become one. Neither of us were looking for it; we certainly didn't expect it; and we did our best to ignore, to pretend, to try and make it go away, but in the end, we were still Jack and Daniel. As was so well pointed out later, to win is to deny the battle, and that's exactly what My Jack and I did. We realized the only norm that mattered was the "norm" of us, the fullness of our cup at the end of the day, despite the sometimes draining of it during the day. 

When they look through the clearness of the glass, they see two men who seemingly agree on very little. He's Jack "show me the big-honkin' weapon now" O'Neill, the colonel ready to fire in an instant. I'm Daniel "we're peaceful explorers; don't mind the guns aimed at you" Jackson, the doctor of archaeology, linguistics and anthropology, who can now add diplomat, speech writer, and yes, even soldier to the resume. And this is what really confuses them; this is what they really don't understand ... the soldier in me. 

I didn't want to be a soldier. It's not my essence; it's My Colonel's. But as I said earlier, Jack is the ultimate survivor, and I won't let him be anything less, especially not now when we are one, when I don't think I could survive in a world without him. The truth is, I wouldn't want to survive in an existence that was devoid of Jack O'Neill. I don't care what quack McKenzie wants to make out of that. My Jack is my heart, my lungs, my soul. If he dies, I die, and for some reason, My Love feels the same way about me. 

He was overprotective from the start. He teased me constantly about my allergies and being clumsy. It became something that bonded us, though, and later, it was more a gag, a private joke almost, just between us, because while we were playing the game, Jack was also insisting that I become an ultimate survivor. He didn't want me to lose my wonder of the universe, but he was afraid of losing me to my own naivete, to my natural want and need to trust people, so my private tutor made sure I learned as much as I could. I guess you could say I'm special ops myself now, only no one knows it but Jack, My Jack who showed me covert operations I couldn't even imagine, and I have quite an active imagination! 

They don't understand that when Jack teased about my military mind, that he was beaming with pride. Every time I survive; every time I live through some military barrage on whatever planet we visit; every time we get to go home and drink in the cup that is always at least half full, he is proud. He's even prouder when I don't have to be a soldier and can be the peaceful explorer who makes that first contact a resounding success. The man actually admires me, and has said so, and if you know My Jack at all, you know that isn't something he does lightly, and there are few people he truly admires. I blush when he tells me that; only that too sexy for words, six-foot two silver fox of mine can turn me into jello in two seconds flat with a compliment like that. 

They don't understand, when they glance through the window of our lives, how the hard-as-nails colonel can tell me to "shut up" one minute, and tell me how much he respects me in the next. They don't understand how I can call My Jack a stupid s.o.b. in one moment, and the next be wrapped up in his arms, peaceful and contented. They don't understand how we can be seemingly distant and almost cold with one another while saving any number of worlds, including our own, during the day, and then be satiated with our unity during the night. They don't understand that their "norm", is not our "norm". 

It isn't easy. We aren't saints. We bickered in the best of times, and we bickered with more of an edge, a snarkiness, in our worst of times, but after we bickered, we held each other, we snuggled, and sometimes we made love. Okay, and sometimes we just had hot, sweaty, lustful, needy, "you're mine, mine mine!" sex. We did whatever we needed to remind ourselves that we are more than our jobs, more than who we are trained to be, that we are one heart, sustaining each other as much as the individual self. And again, this is what they don't understand. 

My Colonel and I are more than our jobs, more than our philosophies of existence. Yes, I approach things from a cultural aspect. It's what I learned from my parents, from my studies, and it's why I was hired to work at the SGC in the first place. My Jack wasn't hired to be a peaceful explorer; he wasn't hired at all. He was ordered to destroy a world, and at the time, he just didn't care about himself or anyone else to give his actions a moment of thought. He was dead inside, and wanted to make that his permanent status as soon as possible. Everyone knows now that I had other ideas, and as I began the work that would transform Jack into My Jack, somehow, miraculously, he began to breathe again, to see beyond the shadows. 

So, the once cold and empty Colonel O'Neill became the leader of SG-1, the leader in all ways possible. He's not the same man who went to Abydos that first time. It's part of him, but it's not the dominant part, not anymore. My Jack wants to question now, but he still has to follow orders; that's his job, and sometimes those orders are unpleasant; and sometimes, those orders put us on opposing sides of the fence. 

I suppose what most people remember is the incident on Euronda. Jack's telling me to "shut up" was far from his brightest moment, and don't believe for a minute that a little holding of my hand in public while offering an apology made everything hunky dory. We battled through that one a lot that night, but then, that's why they don't understand. They can't see through that glass all the time. They couldn't see Jack's remorse at yelling at me; they couldn't see his pain as he latched out at the injustice of our lives that night, that sometimes in following orders to acquire those big-honkin weapons, that he had to, well, turn me off. 

Jack told me years ago that I was his conscience, and having his conscience openly questioning his decision, a decision based on very specific and direct orders to acquire those alien technologies, when he himself knew there was something wrong that he just couldn't pinpoint...well, it was more than he could handle. I understand. I was angry when he did it, when he spoke those words. I was humiliated. I couldn't believe what I had heard, but I also knew, knew that his anger went beyond the surface words of hurt. My Jack was hurting inside, and I couldn't wait for that day to be over, so we could go home and make it right. We did, too. Of course, I'm not stupid either, so I did make him grovel for a bit. Let's just say I had my way for quite a while after that! 

They don't understand the Enkarans either. If they are so close, they say, how could My Jack press the button. They don't understand his job. I do. They don't understand why I went back to the ship with Lotan, and why I stayed, to look for that precious other solution. They don't always understand my job. Jack does. He may not like it, but he understands. All they see is that I went on the ship, and that Jack pressed the button. 

What they didn't see were the oceans of tears shed that night, and for days afterwards, as we cuddled and loved. You see, we understand our "norm" of opposition. I don't like that my precious love would kill one civilization in order to protect another. I'm not sure I could do that, but I'm not Jack. I don't want to be Jack, but I do want My Jack to be the man he is, because that is the man I fell in love with, the one who drives me crazy, who I argue with during the day, and sometimes at night. I don't blame him for pressing the button. He had to do it. I had no death wish; I was just doing my job, and My Jack knows that. He doesn't like it anymore than I like what he has to do sometimes. 

Poor Jack! When he first saw me after the bomb exploded in the sky, he so wanted to take me in his arms and kiss me, and then kill me himself. I saw it in his eyes, the anger, the love, the confusion, the why do we have to keep doing this. But all he could do is ask me what I was doing, and while I wanted to devour his mouth and show him how glad I was that we were both still alive, all I could do was smile and tell him "we" had found a solution. 

Oh, and Jack was unhappy with me for that too. He's proud of what I did, even if it makes him scream and get grayer by the minute just remembering what went down. I told Hammond that "we" had found the answer; SG-1 to the rescue. My Jack wanted me to take all the credit, said I earned it, but we're a team, not just my colonel and I, but Sam and Teal'c ... we're SG-1, and everything that happens out there is a team event. We actually argued about that. 

Jack knows how difficult it is that I don't get the recognition in my profession, and it bugs him that it's easier for Sam to be credited for some scientific breakthroughs than it is for me to gain an iota of respect for something that I first theorized or discovered, understood or translated, or whatever. It bothers me, to be the laughed at or dismissed. It bothers my lover even more, so when this came up as we were doing our reports, he was not a happy camper. 

The love of my life wants to tell the world that I'm right; he wants to say "neener neener" to the society of scientists. Yes, My Jack can sometimes be a five-year old, but he makes me happy, and at the end of the day, what I realize is that what matters to me is not what strangers around the globe think of me, but what he thinks of me. I matter to Jack, something I didn't really believe for a very long time. Pushing that button almost destroyed him. I understand. It was my turn to cater to him for quite a while! 

They don't understand as they reflect on what is visible through the particles of the windowpane that we are two men who are so thoroughly a part of each other that we need each other in order to breathe. Oh no, a cliche! My Jack loves cliches, or at least, he loves to tease about them. 

They think about the women of our lives. Most dismiss Shyla and Hathor as the misguided and demon they were; most realize the innocence of Kynthia and her marriage cake. Few understand Ke'ra, and I guess that even includes me. Jack was jealous from the beginning, and I don't blame him. Chalk it up to grief and stupidity. Even a genius is entitled to be stupid sometimes, isn't he?, uh, aren't I? 

I tried to think it through, to figure out why I let myself be distracted by this reformed destroyer of worlds, but there was no logic. I wanted to say it was grief from losing Sha're. Shouldn't I have wanted to die when she died, when the staff blast finally freed her from the clutches of Ammonet? I loved her. I once thought my dire loneliness would end because of the love she gave me, and the joy I, too, felt for her. Why didn't I want I to die, too? I couldn't escape the question, so I continued to run from the man who had been so much a part of me for the last few years, and before you knew it, I was kissing someone we once deemed a monster. 

Was it my grief for the death of Sha're, my questioning of why life still felt like living, or was it simply guilt, guilt that my love for her wasn't strong enough to save her, or maybe it was that internal struggle that wondered what would have happened had I actually been able to bring her home. I wanted to run from that remorse, from that predicament that never happened, but for a while, it festered inside, so much so that I did run. 

I ran as fast as I could from My Jack because he was My Jack, and because inside I knew, knew that if I had saved Sha're, I would have had to leave her behind, my choice, my decision, because, y'see, that bond that began years before on that very first day at the SGC, that thunderous yet silent bolt of electricity that had surged through pieces of Jack and I that we never even knew existed, had become unbreakable, an eternal charging of the batteries that were our hearts and minds. 

I could never leave him, not now, and that scared me, that I realized that as much as I loved Sha're, and how I did love her, that I had chosen that once cold and empty colonel to be my partner, chosen him before I even knew what that meant. How could anyone understand the guilt I felt as I came to grips with myself and the depthness of my emotions for this warrior whose job is so fundamentally different from my own? 

So, I ran from him, to Ke'ra. We kissed, and kissed again, and then I knew, knew in all my soul that that was all there was .... a few brief kisses that meant nothing, that filled me with nothing. Ke'ra, no Linea, left that day as I told her that we never really knew each other. After all, we didn't. The one who knows me was waiting for me with open arms and a wreath of understanding that warmed my heart when I went home that night. 

I apologized for being a jerk, for running. My Jack apologized for being jealous, for using Sha're to try and get through to me. He was going to say more, but I stopped him with a kiss, a slow, lingering capturing of his lips that soon become a hungered, desperate quest to try and make My Jack realize how much I love him. It wasn't easy, but I revealed my pain to him, told him I had chosen him before I ever realized there was a decision to be made. My Love was speechless. He cried again. They who don't understand can't see this, these tears of joy and happiness, and sometimes of pain and sorrow. They only get to see the colonel, sometimes glib and snarky, but I see My Beloved, who feels things as deeply and surely as anyone. We aren't so different, My Jack and I, in what we want; it's only how we get there that sometimes divide us. 

I'm rambling. If Jack were hearing this, he'd probably be tuning me out, concentrating on, well, me, but not listening. He's a daydreamer, My Jack, but I'm not complaining. I simply give him his own personal briefing as he debriefs me on his daydreams, his very creative daydreams, I might add. It works for us! 

Back to the point, which was what? Oh yes, the women in our lives. No debate on Sara. Jack loved her, as I loved Sha're, but that was over when Charlie died. They tried for a while, but they couldn't get beyond it. Jack was too bitter and guilt-ridden. When he came back from Abydos, he wanted to try and piece it back together, but Sara had gone, and my man of action couldn't get himself to go after her and fight for her. He closed that chapter of his life. 

He told me later that he realized that as much as loved Sara, he knew there was something greater out there for both of them. He wasn't sure how or why he knew that, because he still loved her and thought about her, and then I died, the first time, and Jack said that's when he knew that maybe there really was something greater, and maybe, as much as it surprised him, that something was me. 

By the time I died the second time, I couldn't deny it either, and with the utterance of "Space Monkey", we entered the all-consuming reality that became Jack and Daniel, powerful, intense, confusing, and totally blissful. We gave up running from ourselves that night, of hiding our various hurts and pains, of burying the feeling parts of our beings to the recesses of whatever was inside. We gave it up, and ran instead right dab inside each other's skin. We melded, joined, fused. Like the Grinch's heart that suddenly grew in size, our hearts suddenly became entwined, just as our fingers had been doing. It was scary, almost overwhelming. 

My Jack was inside me, in more ways than one, and I was inside him, in the physical bond of our union, and in the mental nerve centers that make us who we are. We became Jack and Daniel; we were, we are, us, in a world where us has to be contained behind closed doors and locked spaces, and that brings me to Sam, Samantha, Major or Doctor Captain Carter as she was introduced to me that sand stormy day on Abydos. 

Rumors abound about Jack and Sam, but the reality is, they are only rumors. I should know; I've help to spread them, with Sam's blessing, of course. She's one of a handful who know the truth about My Love and I. She admits she had a crush on her CO once upon a time, but she had one on me, too, but since I was married, she pushed it quickly out of her mind. I was surprised when she told me, but Jack says I'm always oblivious to what people think of me. He says I'm lusted after by both men and women. I think he's crazy, but he's insistent, and very jealous and protective, and did I mention jealous? I've had to reassure him on more than one occasion that the only one I want lusting after me is him. 

Reassuring my soul mate can be very stimulating, so while I still don't see why he gets in such a state about people like Major Davis, I honestly don't mind because it leads to the most wonderful moments of passion. Maybe I should send Paul a thank you note? 

The replicator incident and Paul's close proximity to me through that adventure was somehow relayed to My Jack. I'm not sure who told him, but somehow, he seemed to know all the details, and he was none too pleased with Paul, er Major Davis, placing his hand on my back. He was just being supportive, but my obsessive colonel was quite disgruntled, not with me, but let's just say Major Davis had some unpleasant surprises unleashed at him over the next few weeks, and I don't think he knows to this day what hit him or why he was suddenly reassigned to Elmendorf for a few months, until I managed to reassure a certain air force colonel that he was my one and only and that Major Whats-his-name was needed at the Pentagon where he could do his job, which really didn't involve being a liaison with Eskimos, which was more or less his current assignment at Elmendorf which meant Paul was essentially chilling out while chilling. 

My Jack is full of surprises. I had no idea that he had the connections he did until Paul received his orders. Paul had mentioned the transfer during a phone call about a recent mission. When I told Jack, he seemed a bit too smug. With a bit of bedtime finesse, I managed to get the truth out of him, hearing about one of his former special ops CO's who was now a general. Seems he owed Jack a favor or two for saving his life once, and my green-eyed love decided that was a good time to cash in the receipt, and hence, Paul's communing in igloo-land. 

I felt very guilty; it's just who I am, so I was finally able to convince My Colonel to let Captain, er Major Whose-its (the more I seem to forget about Pa....er, Major Davis, the easier it is to get my way) back into the continental US which is also why I made sure I was on that rescue ship when Jack and Teal'c were lost in space in a death glider. Paul would have been shipped off to Siberia next had he spent much more time with me at the SGC, but that's neither here nor there. I was talking about Sam. 

They don't understand. Why would sexy, apparently straight Colonel O'Neill not be in love with his beautiful and very smart 2IC? As I said, Sam admitted she had a crush for a while, but that was all it was. She overcompensated later, trying very hard to please her CO, even ignoring her own doubts about some things. The point is that she was much more interested in Martouf and Narim, and even Orlin than she ever was in My Jack, and once she knew he was My Jack, she made sure I understood her feelings. 

We're so close, Sam and I, and she didn't want any misunderstandings. I didn't either. She knew that there was something more between Jack and I after Hadante and the sarcophagus addiction. She told me later that when Jack took off my glasses and I hadn't even bothered to act like that invasion of my personal space was anything less than "normal" that she knew there was something, and then when she came into the storeroom, and I was sobbing into Jack's loving arms, she saw it all clearly, especially when Jack's "screw the regs and I don't care who sees or thinks what" attitude took over, as he insisted on holding my hand almost non-stop to ground me into our reality, and then getting me through that nightmare practically single handedly by sticking to my side throughout the withdrawal and recovery to the point of not even allowing others to assist him in getting me whole and healthy again (I really need to breathe here; My Jack must be right. Maybe I do talk to much. Breathe, Jackson, breathe!). 

Sam finally told us she knew the truth about us after the orb almost killed Jack. I was so distraught. I tried so hard to hide it, that watching the man who makes my heart flutter and spirit soar with that thing through his chest wasn't puncturing my heart and lungs, too. Sam did what she would continue to do later on, to help us, to protect us. She took a bit of the lead, to distract. 

She talked quietly and softly to her CO, touching his hand gently as she prepared him for what was to come. She was worried and scared, too, but this was SG-1 and she knew that somehow we'd get through this, and when we did, she didn't want the rumor mills running amok with things that could destroy her CO's career, and her friend's life, so she began the game, a game of misleads and deception, that My Love and I both agreed to later, when it was over, and she told us she knew the truth, and how she wanted to help protect us. 

We didn't want her to risk her career, but she said as much as asked, "we're a family, and families help and protect each other". We couldn't argue with that, so we went along and when the dark came, Sam tried her best to use her true fears and caring to keep people looking at her, and not at me. 

It worked because they don't understand and probably never will. It helps that we have turned out to be great actors. I never thought I could do it, but when My Jack's life is on the line, I can lie, er, act, with the best of 'em. I will not lose My Jack, my life, my soul, so if I have to use my dark side to get us through to the other side, I will. All those military training games and exercises my beautiful of colonel has put me through, all of our covert private games that we've hatched to make it a fun and pleasant experience, have worked to our advantage. People usually see what we want them to, and when the NID started snooping around, we found out just how important our ability to hide in plain site was. 

The most difficult part of the entire undercover operation that threatened our relationship was its timing. Jack had just come back from Edora. Notice I said Jack. I was angry, and he knew it. No, I wasn't angry about Laira. She meant nothing to him, was nothing to him but a momentary escape, and just like people assumed there had been more to Ke'ra and I, they do the same about Jack and Laira. She tried to mislead. I realized watching her that she wasn't all that different from Shyla. Maybe we should introduce them; they could be best friends, and instruct each other in the fine art of manipulation and how to get someone to stop living their own lives to be with you. 

As I said, I wasn't angry at Jack for kissing her or spending time with her, but I was furious with him for giving up. He gave up on me, didn't believe I would search the universe forever to find him. My Jack, and sigh, yes he is My Jack, even when I want to shake common sense into him, has a horrible self-image. People think I'm bad on that score, and okay, I have been, but My Colonel, he's equal to the task. He hides it better, but when it comes to reality checks, he thinks he's old, battered and bruised and wonders why I could love him so darn much that I can't think straight most of the time whenever he's around. When he thought the stargate was buried and lost to him, he thought that was it; no future; no more Jack and Daniel, and he didn't care what happened to him. He went through motions. I was so pissed off at him. 

I knew when I saw him for the first time when we went to bring him home that he was empty. His eyes had no shine; no light, not even for me. Sam was chattering on about how we got through, and he just walked away, from her, and from me, and went to say goodbye to Laira, spouting platitudes he didn't mean and would never honor. Empty as he was, My Jack is a good man and has a loving heart. Even in that state, he didn't want Laira feeling abandoned without some kind of olive branch. He knew she wouldn't come to Earth, just like he knew he'd never return to Edora, at least not for her. 

Sam didn't understand why he walked away like he did. She looked at me for answers, and I gave her one, "He's fine. I just don't think he was expecting to go home again." I had to turn away. The hurt and anger from Jack's empty but haunting eyes being too much to see for the moment. 

That night, Jack was full of his own guilt. He thought I would leave him, not understand about Laira, not believe that nothing happened, even if My Jack had given up like he had. I took him in my arms and held him, and that's pretty much what we did all night. We sat on the couch, clinging to each other, a few kisses, a lot of soulful and longing looks, but what we needed was just the touch, of knowing, of being grounded, our bodies connected as one. 

Hours later, as I was nuzzled into My Jack's shoulder, he softly called my name. "Danny?" When I looked up, I saw my sweet love was back. No, he wasn't totally home yet, but he knew we were real, and that I wasn't going anywhere. We'd probably argue tomorrow and the next day about what happened, but we'd get through it, just like we had everything else that been thrown in our path. "Bed", I said, as I took his hand and lead my soul mate up the stairs to our king-sized bed. We made love, slow and tender, grounding each other even more into the reminder that Jack and Daniel were always and forever, no matter what the stargate could throw at us. 

You see where this is going? Good, because I've forgotten! Oh yes, the NID. My Jack and I were still healing from Edora when the general approached him about the undercover operation. My Colonel was in quite a quandary then. He couldn't say "no" to the general; the stakes were too high. He also knew without a doubt that SG-1 and specifically me would be put in great danger as a result of anything he did. He was totally lost on what to do. Heck, we were living together 24/7, hiding in plain sight, but no one knew it but Sam and Teal'c, and a handful of people outside of the SGC, so how is he supposed to protect me and play the undercover game without exposing us? 

He had to tell me; he had no choice, orders or no orders. He had to lie to Hammond. He didn't like that; it still bothers him, that he lied to this man who is on the very short "I trust him" list of Colonel O'Neill's. My Jack thought about telling Hammond about us, to try and explain, but with the general being so close to retirement himself, he thought better of it. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was a courtmartialable offense, and knowing about it and not acting on it was dangerous, and Jack didn't feel like he had a right to impose that on Hammond, and I agreed, later, of course, when he told me about all the debating he had gone through. 

One of the options, I learned later, was to break up with me, using Laira and Edora as a sword of hurt that would cut out my heart. My Jack couldn't do it. As much as he wanted to protect me, to keep me safe, he knew that letting me go with that lie would literally cut out my own heart. He might as well have had handed me the same gun Charlie had found that miserable afternoon years before. 

Jack knew he couldn't protect me by hurting me enough to make me go away, and honestly, I'm not sure he could have convinced me anyway. I'm a smart guy, and still healing or not, Jack and Daniel are forever and always, and as the "Daniel" of that statement, there's no way in Netu I could ever leave him or believe that he wanted Laira over me. So, my courageous colonel finally reached the conclusion, thankfully so, that to protect me, he had to be honest with me, and get me to play the game with him. It was an undercover, undercover operation, which I might add was thought up and honed while we were appropriately under the covers! 

My Jack was never as serious as he was with me that night, that night before the madness began. I wanted to do more, but he was really scared for me, kept telling me I didn't understand the threat. Looking back, he was right, but I'm as stubborn as he is, and he's my life. "Danny, please, you have to let me do this my way, and you have to remember, that no matter what, I love you more than life itself. We'll get through this, but I need you safe. Please, just this once, do what I say. Please, Danny." 

My lover had tears in his eyes as he cupped my cheeks in his hands, and then he pulled me in for the sweetest and gentlest kiss he'd ever given me. He pulled me even closer, wrapping his arms around me, holding me like there was no tomorrow, and soon I realized, he was genuinely afraid there might not be a tomorrow. "Please, Danny", he whispered again, and I knew I couldn't refuse him. This one time, I would go along and do it his way. We covertly made sure that our house, er Jack's house, was back to looking like Jack's house where I sometimes crashed in the spare room. No major changes that would get people wondering, but little things that would mean something if someone was looking for blackmail material and the like. 

My almost vacant apartment was reborn to livelihood, fish and all. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to live there, to sleep in that bedroom, alone. We spent one last, covert night together, knowing that things were about to change for us for a while. The plan had to be set up, prepared, so our separation had to be longer than just the actual execution of the operation. 

I had to work like a dog to come up with some argument for the Tollans as to why we should do an exchange knowing full well it was all for naught. So, one very passionate last night, with mind blowing sex to stop us from thinking, and then snuggling and cuddling to remind us how much comfort we get from each other, was everything we could make it. 

"Danny, you know I'm going to have to say some things. When this plan takes off and everything comes loose, the natural thing will be for you or Sam and Teal'c to try and find out what's wrong, and knowing how stubborn you are, it'll have to be you." 

"I know, Jack. I'd never let you get away with doing something like this plan calls for and believe it. I wouldn't believe you, Jack. I know you. I ... I love you, and I'd just know there was more to it." 

"The house will be bugged. I imagine they'll bug your place, too, and Sam's. I'm going to have to say things, Danny, things I don't want to say, that I don't feel or believe, but I'm going to have to say them. Do you understand? I'm going to have to hurt you, and it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it's the only thing that will keep you safe, and Danny, I have to keep you safe. You have to promise me; promise me, you'll understand that I don't mean whatever it is I say, that's it all part of the game. Promise me, Danny -- promise me you'll know the truth." 

"I promise, Love. I'll play the game because your life depends on it just as much as mine does, and probably even more. I'll do what you ask, Jack, because it'll keep you alive. I don't want to know what you are going to say to me, because I want to be able to react as honestly as I can, but I promise, I'll remember it's a game, and I'll do my part to keep you safe." 

"To keep you safe, too, Danny. I need you to be there when this is done. I want to know that I can count on you to be alive so we can be here, doing this again, as soon as I get back. I love you. Don't ever forget that." 

"I love you, too, Jack, and I could never forget." 

We were a rousing success. If I do say so myself, I played my part worthy of an Oscar. I was outraged at Jack's supposed theft, and hurt by his disregard for the SGC and all it stood for. We played out the scene at the house. 

My Jack was right; he said some things that were hard to hear, even knowing it was a game. "Not much of a foundation?" Wrong, Love, there is such a strong foundation that we're both going to survive this. His eyes. I'll never forget those chocolate brown eyes when he had to say those words. He was full of sadness, on the edge of shedding a mountain of tears, so I tried to end it as quickly as I could, and stood and grabbed my coat and walked out, afraid to look back, in fear we'd lose our resolve and end the game before it had really begun. To those who don't understand Jack and Daniel, it looked like My Jack had become Colonel O'Neill to me. I raced to my car, shed a few tears, and then defiantly pulled out of our, er Jack's driveway to make my way to what I now had to call home, but as much as I love the apartment, it could never be more than just an apartment, because home to me is in Jack's arms, in My Jack's arms, no matter where we are. 

So, the game played out. I stood in the control room watching Jack leave for Edora, scared to be any closer to this man who so owns my heart that I had to stay as hidden as possible to not mess up the game by suddenly throwing myself in his arms. He knew I was there; I could feel him thinking about me, sensing me. "Don't worry, Babe, I'm playing the game; it's going to be okay" I tried to say silently. In telepathic-like reply, I heard "Remember, Danny; don't forget". 

Then, he was gone, and the days passed until finally, he was back. One final moment to play out, one for our audience, "we drew straws; I lost". I wish I had a camera to keep the look on My Jack's face forever in view. He was stunned; couldn't believe I would say such a thing, and then run off, out of the SGC and back to the apartment. It was over, almost. 

We still had to wait a few days, for the aftermath to play out. Finally, Jack entered my office, where I was working late, again, trying to catch up on things I had let slide while playing out the game and worrying too much to actually translate much more than my name. He slid his arms around me from behind, and I leaned into him. "Home" was all he said. I looked up and saw the sweetest smile. "Home?" I asked, and he pulled me up and lead me out, back to our home for the first time since the nightmare had begun. 

Who would think a harden colonel like My Jack would be a romantic, but he is. They don't understand that part of him. I do, and when we got home, there was candlelight, and a fire, and even flowers with a card that said simply, "thanks for remembering". My Jack! 

I proceeded to show him just how much I remembered for the rest of the night, and the next day. Screw the SGC, we both called in sick. If they wanted to make something of it, let them! We took the day off, and stayed in bed, all day, loving, caressing, soothing, comforting. We were Jack and Daniel, forever and always. They don't understand. Personally, even though it may ruin my reputation, I don't care what they think or what they do or don't understand. 

The aftermath of the NID plagued us for a long time. We had found bugs not just at home, but at the apartment, as anticipated. Every now and then, we'd find more. We realized we had to keep playing the game. Hiding in plain sight became a bit more difficult. 

My Jack, my overprotective, possessive light of my life, told me one day we were going to have to pull back. Intel said things were happening that we didn't know the half of. He was worried for me, again; almost as worried as at the beginning of the NID nightmare. Jack had actually received threats, not on his life, but on mine, from people wanting things, suggesting things, that the time would come that if he didn't comply, I was going to become a victim, a dead victim, or maybe not dead, but wishing I were dead. My lover was scared, as scared as I had ever seen him, so again, we played the game. 

As things developed, we thought we could keep it simple. We needed a diversion from the two of us, and we hesitated, but decided to call in Sam for a favor. She had done it before, with the orb; and during Edora, she had whispered in my ear that she was going to do the worried girlie thing for Jack, and for me to know that it was to try and protect us because she saw how upset I was. 

We spent three months trying to get him back, three months of caffeine and no sleep, at least for me, and I have to admit, even I heard the talk about the geek with the obsession for the colonel. It was just like when Sam and Jack were trapped in Antartica with the second stargate when everyone knew I rarely slept and basically lived on the mountain until they were home, only this was even more so, 90 days more so. 

I couldn't function much, didn't perform my job very well. My mind was on Jack, My Jack. I couldn't stop though; we had to bring him home. Sam wanted to draw the attention away from me. We thanked her later, for Edora, and for understanding about the undercover operation. We sent her on a vacation to the Caribbean for a couple of weeks, our treat. No one knew, of course; they just thought she was on a regular holiday. She said we didn't have to, but she had done so much, and now we were glad we had said thank you already, because now, we needed her big time, and this one could hurt. 

"We can't explain fully, Sam, but we need people to think there's something going on between us, or that we want something to happen, but aren't doing it because of the regs. I wish we could say more, but this is really all we can right now." 

"What is it you want me to do, Sir?" 

"Just play along, Sam, if you can. I .. we don't want you to do anything you are uncomfortable with, but just do like you did when Jack was on Edora, or maybe flirt a little." 

"You want me to flirt ... with the colonel?" 

"Come on, Carter. I'm not that bad, am I?" 

"No, of course not, Sir, it's just ... it's just ... Daniel, he yours." 

Sam blushed realizing what she had said, and I did too. Actually, so did Jack. Finally, I continued. 

"I hope so, and I'd like him to stay that way, and that's why we need you, Sam. The threat is real. If you don't want to, it's okay; we'll think of something else." 

"Are you sure about this, Sir? I mean, couldn't the rules, the regulations, be thrown at us if we do this, and where would that leave you?" 

"Oh, for crying out loud, we're not actually going to do anything, Carter. We just need you to cover our sixes with a little girlie action. Flirt. Bat your eyelashes. Something. If you need lessons, ask Daniel. He's an expert on eyelashes." 

"Jaaaack!" 

"You can't deny it, Daniel. You know that's one of your best seduction techniques." 

"Jack, stop it," I squealed, slapping him gently but firmly in the arm. "Let's get back to the subject, shall we?" 

"Sir, Daniel, I'll do what I can, but Daniel, I want you to tell me if we, if I cross the line. Your friendship is too important to me to risk on nonsensical flirting that means nothing." 

"Don't worry, Sam. Maybe we won't need it for much longer, but Jack thinks..." 

"Daniel", My Jack said sharply and with a warning. He wanted to protect Sam, too, and the less she knew the better. We needed her to help us get through this, but she would be safe enough as long as we didn't involve her in the details, which was pretty funny since we didn't know much more than she did. 

Little did we know we'd need her help so soon, but it wasn't much later that the Zatarc thing came up. My "I'm not ready to retire yet" Colonel was never so relieved in his life than during that time, having realized what it would have meant had he and I been the ones together when the force field separated him from Sam. 

The base ran wild with the rumors about those "feelings". Sam had hoped it would stay in the room, because she knew it would mean more teasing, and she'd been on the receiving end of quite a few anonymous jokes and pranks about her and the colonel, but at the SGC, nothing stays silent, at least, nothing like that. It was the absolute best cover we could have asked for. 

"Love, had that been you on the other side of the force field, I'd be retired or in Leavenworth right now. You realize that, don't you?" 

I simply kissed him hard in reply. "Feelings," I crooned, "nothing more than feelings". 

"Shut up, Daniel", My Jack growled, as we began a night to outdo all nights, pushing away all remembrances of Zatarc's and their associated, shudder, snakes and hosts. 

They don't understand that through all of the next year, we had to keep playing the game and all the while, we were still hiding in plain sight, only more covertly, if that makes any sense, and it probably doesn't, and if I don't stop this I'll be rambling again . Colonel Simmons turned out to be quite a threat, as were others still undetermined. 

At work, Jack and I were like grizzly bears much of the time. We put on a show of snarkiness for outsiders, not knowing or trusting who they really were or may work for. At home, we were Jack and Daniel, together forever, untouched by those who sought to hurt or separate us. 

I wondered at one point if being with My Love was worth putting his life in danger. If I left, he'd be safe; there'd be no reason for anyone to search for a hidden life, and no one could use me to bait him. I still felt like the weak link of SG-1. I wasn't a weakling, and since My Jack had convinced me to start working out, I had bulked up considerably. He had begun hinting that it might be a fun thing to do after the NID incident. He tried to keep it light; later, I realized, he wanted me to become stronger because the threat to me was greater in his eyes. I got with the plan. "My little archaeologist isn't so little anymore," he laughs now, with full approval and even pride. 

Still, I wondered if maybe we should rethink this. Maybe I was just getting scared. Full of insecurities and growing fear for my true love's life, I became anxious and uncertain until we finally had a fight, just after Professor Jordan died. 

Jack had wanted to come with me to the funeral, but I told him no, that it would look suspicious if he did. It's not like the Professor and I were that close. I was going out of respect and to say goodbye. He was a mentor; I owed him that, but it's not like he was family. There was no reason for Jack to go, and his doing so would have raised more questions and we didn't need that. 

I also suspected that Steven and Sarah would be there. Steven is a total jerk, and Sarah and I didn't end on the best of terms. My Jack is .... well, as I've said, he's overprotective and possessive. He'd let Steven get out one line, maybe two, before having some unforeseen accident happen to him that would have had him cleaning toilets in Duluth. 

As for Sarah, I'm not sure how he would have reacted to her. He knows I love him and would never be interested in an old flame, but I didn't want him to have to deal with her. She would have probably questioned him to death about why he was there, and why we worked together, especially since I more or less dropped out of sight. Sarah liked to achieve; she liked power. She would want to know why an air force colonel was constantly at my side and why my work was "classified". If My Jack stayed home, I wouldn't have to deal with that. I could go in, give my respects, and make a graceful exit. My overly sensitive partner in life didn't understand that, though. 

He was angry at me, My Jack, and worried, too, pacing about as I packed for my flight, and then I said something horribly stupid and silly "maybe we should just break up, Jack, so you won't have to worry so much". 

I couldn't believe I had said such a thing. How could I say those words, even lightly? My Love is stunned, looking as unsteady and unsure as I'd ever seen him. Even at our worst, we've never joked, teased, or made light of our being together. Our lives, our relationship is too outside the norm to argue falsely about breaking up, as if we could ever really do it. 

So he stood there, My Jack, wondering if he'd missed something, if maybe that half full cup was really half empty. "Is that what you want, Daniel?" he finally uttered, quietly, firmly, having found that mask that I hadn't seen in years, the one that says "no pain allowed inside because inside I refuse to feel". 

I just wanted this trip to be over. I wanted him safe. I wanted the game to end. I didn't say anything, just lowered my head, when my cell phone rang. I answered. It was someone in my department needing direction on how to proceed on a translation. I tried to help as best I could so they could continue, and then I hung up. "I'm sorry, Jack, that was..." but as I turned around, My Jack ... was he still My Jack? ... had gone. 

My plane would leave in an hour, and we had spent the entire day arguing about this, ending with my ridiculous break up line and his quiet deflated departure. I messed up big time, and I felt sadder and more alone than I had in years. 

The world went crazy. I called Jack (too unsure to say My Jack at the moment) and diverted quickly by asking for Teal'c. I knew they had gone fishing after checking in with Hammond. I needed Jack. I wanted Jack. I had been so wrong. I had to tell him. But first, I needed to get my nerves under control, so I asked for Teal'c. I didn't even say anything more than "Hi Jack, I'd like to talk to Teal'c, please". Cold and quick. Why did I sound like that? 

I talked to Teal'c, and got what I needed and asked for Jack. I was going to apologize; to ask him to come, tell him I needed him, in more ways than one, but then there was only silence, as the phone disconnected. I redialed, only to realize the phone was no longer in service. Then, I became angry, but I didn't have time for that either. The world had gone crazy and it got worse until finally Sarah was a goa'uld and Steven was still a jerk but at least he knew I was right about my theories, well at least until we created a cover story that would totally confuse him and get us out of Egypt. 

Back in Colorado, it was time to go home, and for the first time since the NID undercover sting, I wondered where home was. No, I knew where home is. I just wondered if he still wanted me there. My anger over the cell phone incident was long gone. I had started it, after all. He was wrong, but he'd be feeling guilty over it himself. I know My Jack even if he's only Jack again, and even only Jack would have a major guilt trip over throwing the phone in the water once he found out what had happened. This was probably the biggest mess of our relationship and I wondered at the time if forever had ended. 

Not sure where to go, and not wanting to make the wrong choice, I went nowhere but to my office where I slumped into the bunk and ended up, finally, falling asleep. I awoke the next morning, sad to realize I was still alone, and no clue as to whereabouts of my "home". 

Then, I saw it. It was there on my jacket, a long stemmed chocolate heart, covered in red foil. Attached was a little piece of paper with only one word written on it .... "home". I almost flew out of the office, getting out of the SGC, and off the mountain in record breaking time. I went home, into the warm embrace of my lover, my soul mate, and again, in record breaking time, we were up the stairs, to our bedroom, grounding ourselves to one another. 

This time, we spent the next couple of weeks making it up to each other. This time, we had both been wrong, and this time, we had almost gone too far. It was a reminder of how fragile any relationship is, even Jack and Daniel who pledged again that they, that we, were together for always and forever. 

They don't understand how we can love so much, two men, one military, one a geek, in a world where same sex relationships are still frowned upon by so many, where prejudices reign in spite of democracy and proud, loud words of freedom. They don't understand how hard it is to hide in plain sight, to deny each other by the act of omission. We hate it. They don't understand our love, our need, our desire, or our hatred of their prejudice. They don't understand us at all. We've saved the world, over and over, and still they don't understand. 

It took My Jack and I time to heal this rift we caused in one day. Then, another one of those goa'uld contraptions did a number on us at the pleasure palace and life became difficult again. The dang light reached down deep inside me to dredge up every insecurity I had tried so hard to throw away, but it had been so close to the time when My Jack and I almost lost each other, that I hadn't realized that those fears were still lurking beneath the surface. 

"You don't even know what I'm talking about," I had said. "We can't get it back," I whined. My poor love was so frightened as I stood on the outside ledge, with eight floors of space between me and the earth below. It's almost a blur to me now, a surreal event that I see from the outside, as if I wasn't really there. 

He didn't know what to say to me. We had dealt with our fears and the near-miss of self-destructing our relationship already. He couldn't understand what he had missed or why I was dredging it up, now, on the outside of my balcony. When I finally came back to reality, he held on to me, so very securely, and pulled me back over the rails and into his arms. He held me so tightly that I could barely breathe. I felt his heart racing. 

"Danny, Love, what's the matter?" I could do nothing but shiver in his arms. "Danny, I love you. You're my life. I need you. You know that, don't you?" I managed to gaze up into the worried face of my lover, and I saw only love from him. What was I doing out on that ledge? I have no fears, here in his arms. "I love you, Jack" was all I got out before collapsing into unconsciousness. 

The next thing I knew, I was back at the pleasure palace and My Jack was cradling me in his arms, rocking me back and forth, running his right hand up and down my back, and holding his left hand at my nape. He whispered sweet nothings to me over and over, so I knew we were alone. We must have been alone. 

"Jack, what happened and why are we here?" My love explained that he just had another 50 hairs turn gray, and then he made sure I was okay before getting on with business. "I love you, Danny. We'll talk later. Right now, I need to find Sam and Teal'c, okay?". I nodded, which was about the only thing I was able to do as he proceeded to talk to Loren who had apparently come into the room. 

After dealing with the light, My Jack and I spent the next three weeks reassuring each other that nothing goes away if we don't let it; that we had nothing to get back because we hadn't lost a thing; and that the only way we'd never know what we were talking about was if we shut each other out of our hearts, and that was never going to happen. We enjoyed our free vacation, having to worry only about staying out of Loren's sight during ....well, you know! Sam had a great time; she didn't have to flirt with her CO and got to work on her book some more! 

Watching us through the expanse of the window, they don't understand that we are forever. In that next year or so when we had to pretend to be distant with each other, it looked to some like we weren't even friends anymore. We had done such a good job that Sam didn't have to keep up the flirtatious stuff with her CO, and she was grateful for that. We still did some of our patented bantering, but somehow, even those closest to us thought we weren't as much friends as allies working together. Admittedly, My Jack and I wondered how people could miss our love for each other. It was always there. 

They don't understand because they didn't want to see either. We played on the pel'tac after rescuing Teal'c; we sat side by side helping our comrade rediscovering himself, bantering back and forth about velour and being a called a woman; we were side by side on K'tau, working together, and when we disagreed on a course of action, My Colonel caved in to my desires to try and save the people. He caved again when we went to save Chaka and again when I left my weapon. 

Jack doesn't relent easily, but that was three times publicly in a short period, and no one understood what that meant. We did, though. Why others didn't see our love was almost amusing, except that during that time, it was best for them not to. My Love was still afraid for me. 

Looking in through the windowpane, they missed the fear in My Jack's voice when we were inside the zaggurat, when for a moment he worried I had become a victim or maybe a goa'uld; they missed our easy communication when tried to figure out why the Tollan suddenly wanted to share their weaponry, how we sat together, having to make sure we were on separate sides of the stone column, and how I had to keep my hands busy because all I really wanted to do was follow through on promises whispered earlier about what we'd be doing that night after dinner (Jack likes to wind me up and he was doing a good job that day). 

We were doing a wonderful job of covering up. Amicable enough as co-workers, but no one thought we were more that, and no one but Sam and Teal'c knew we were lovers. They were the only ones who understood what no one else could, that need we had to be as one, to honor the norm that applied only to us. 

Then things got to be a bit dicey again, and it set us on a new path. My Jack was almost killed by that back shooting Simmons, and then we almost lost Teal'c in the event horizon. Two near losses in a short period of time. When Jacob came and requested my help at the summit of the system lords, it was a real crisis. 

Jack was livid. I wasn't happy either. We both knew if he insisted on going along, or stopped me from going, that the game was up. Everyone would know why. My Jack, bless him, didn't care. "I'll retire, Danny. Maybe it's time. I'm getting tired of this playing. I love you. What good will it do us if we protect the game but you die in the process? " 

"I'm not going to die, Jack. It has to be done." 

"It's not you, Daniel. You know that. You're a good soldier, Danny, but that's not your true function. I'm not comfortable with you doing this." 

He drew me into a hug, his arms surrounding me with love and warmth. 

"I'm not either, Love, but what else can we do? It's not time for us to leave yet, Jack." 

"Us?" 

"Yes, us. When you retire, Jack, I'm out, too. This is an all or nothing, for both of us. I won't go through the gate without you, not once you've retired and you aren't there to drag me away to eat ... or ... something." 

"I'll always be there for you, Danny, to drag you away ... to eat ... or something." 

And then we did a bunch of the "or something" for the rest of the night, having realized we still had to save the world and play the game for a while longer. The summit didn't go as planned, but we learned what we could and moved on. Time passed, and then My Jack and I faced our biggest test. 

In the six years since we first gazed upon one another, Jack and I had endured much. The first year we were apart, separated by a galaxy, me on Abydos living with Sha're, befriending a new world and discovering the Cartouche, and he on a lonely Colorado rooftop, silently gazing up at the stars, wondering which one might be Abydos. We were technically apart, and yet something had been planted in our hearts, a seed that would grow and suddenly begin to blossom with the tossing of a box of kleenex through the stargate. 

"They don't know what to do with me, and I don't know what to do with myself", I told Jack upon returning to Earth. He told me later, that standing in the long gray empty halls of the SGC, that I looked like a lost puppy he couldn't abandon, so My Soon to Be Jack, took me home, and we began the second year of our friendship, only this time, we were actually on the same planet. 

Jack told me I was a "cheap date" that first night back on Earth. I guess we were already dating; we just didn't know it yet. They certainly didn't understand then, and neither did we, not yet, but during that year, our understanding and awareness of one another grew with every mission, and every buddy night spent watching hockey and eating pizza. We were Jack and Daniel, best friends for life. 

We persevered through so much before the challenges of Edora and the NID, and what would become our biggest quest to stay Jack and Daniel. My best friend worried about losing me to the Touched that second year; I worried about him when the Unity Crystal became a clone who then turned into Charlie. He tested us both by handing me the staff weapon on Cimmeria, gambling I'd understand the need that I be the one to destroy Thor's Hammer. 

We began to feel the heat for the first time on Tantalus. My Soon to Be Jack literally pulled me away from the sanctuary of knowledge, knowing it was about to crash down on us. "I'm staying," I insisted, until I realized, that if I was staying, so was the man who would one day be my lover, and that risking his life was not something I was prepared to do, so with a last look, we ran to our escape, still too afraid to admit what had been exchanged in that look when my best friend, or was he something more, held on to my jacket, grounding me to him. 

And then, miraculously, we both survived the rape of Hathor, the arrogance of Senator Kinsey, and the shock of our existence in an alternate reality. 

After 730 days of being as close as we had ever imagined as friends and best buds, the third year of our relationship was the first official year of Jack and Daniel, lovers, soul mates, partners for eternity, and it, too, gave us moments when we questioned ourselves and our "norm". We dealt with the loss of Skaara to Klorel yet again, and the sadness that consumed My Colonel for having to shoot Skaara in order to save me. 

We gritted our teeth to get through the ordeal of the gamekeeper playing so callously with our minds, bringing old wounds, bloody battles and falling coverstones to the forefront of our daily lives. Nightmares, more nightmares for both My Jack and I. We almost lost Teal'c, twice. 

Then he who was now my love was hit hard by the sudden reappearance of Sha're on Abydos. I had comforted her; wanted to bring her back to Earth, and yet I didn't do any of the things I could have, even should have done, as even Thor's Hammer was pushed to some unrecallable part of my brain. Maybe I didn't want to remember; maybe my dark side was lurking; maybe ... so many maybes. 

But as she gave birth to the child of my enemy, I loved her, held her, told her that no one could take away what we had. My Jack watched me watching Sha're leave through the stargate. He asked me if I was okay. "No, but I will be" was my response. My Jack wasn't so sure, of me, or himself, and wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. 

That night, my lover was quiet and cautious, watching me, trying to see some sign that things would be different. He didn't tell me about the death of the reporter in Washington D.C. for several days, keeping his torment to himself, unsure if I still wanted to share the unity of Jack and Daniel. He told me he saw the love I had for Sha're in my eyes as she went through the gate with Apophis. I didn't know what to tell him then. 

I didn't figure it out for a long time. But I didn't leave; I didn't try to run away, and somehow, we got through that too, more by not talking about it, than by talking. We touched a lot just being together, a simple calming companionship that was never really simple; but we moved onward, day by day, aware that some things are handled in time by time, not necessarily dealt with now because someone says "whoa", so on we went, together, 

We met the Tok'ra, paid an eerie visit to Area 51, full of reminders of our mortality and the event which ignited the fires that could no longer be extinguished between us, took a brief holiday in each other's bodies, argued over videotaping plants, and then we met Charlie, a homegrown Charlie, and My Jack cried again in my arms for all the losses and near misses of the past year, and of our lives. 

A quick trip through time, and then we wished we had stayed in 1969 when once again, Hathor reared her ugly head, cutting my hair and shoving a symbiote into the face of my lover, and thus began our fourth year of friendship, and our second of being "us". 

On Hathor's Planet, I went deep inside myself to try and hide, to forget, but My Jack saw, and from the moment we were reunited, he ruffled my hair, my now short hair, and put his hand on my back, and whispered so no one else would hear, "You're beautiful, Danny." How's a guy supposed to respond to that when he's surrounded by a bunch of marines, some Jaffa, and a major general? 

I smiled and whispered back, "I love you", and My Jack gave the smile that makes me melt like butter on a hot stove. We renewed ourselves as we gave our bodies to each other that night, and then we faced the universe again, more secure in the fullness of our cup, knowing they don't understand. 

We dealt with Nirrti, yet another alternate reality, Aris Boch (and no, I was not flirting with him and I wish everyone would stop badgering Jack about it because every time someone mentions this bounty hunter, my life grows insufferable due to the ongoing growling of my colonel), an attempted takeover of the SGC by alien lifeforms, being tortured and kept in electrified cages on Bedrosia, and yet again, Apophis who apparently has as many lives as I do. 

Bedrosia was a very difficult time, just after Edora and the NID sting. Watching your lover being burnt to a crisp is not my idea of fun. Just as I had done on Hathor's Planet, I zoned out, spoke in monotone. My Jack wasn't happy. Neither was I. This was the year we went to Netu, and it felt like the entire year was in Netu. My mind raced with "what if's", but somehow, My Love and I retreated to the safety of our embrace, and held on for dear life, and by clinging to each other, we again made it through this year of loss, when game playing became a necessary evil. 

I've avoided talking about two incidents which seemed oddly enough, too personal, too close to our souls, but I suppose their lessons are too important not to share before we go on to that last agonizing test. 

They don't understand us, glimpsing only frames of our lives when they peek through the crystal-like glass, and they don't understand My Jack, and they don't know what I know. Ma'chello's most recently discovered invention to fight the goa'uld resulted in my being committed to a padded cell of four very snowy white walls. 

Jack is used to dealing with what he can see, what he can strategize against. He's not good with the abstract, with fighting something he can't see. He felt helpless and useless for the first time in our union when Janet and McKenzie locked me up. He didn't know how to derail the experts. Even Janet, our doctor, our friend, was telling him I was beyond hope, and should be locked away. 

I only knew that My Jack was standing as far away from me as he could, watching me with a cold detachment as I huddled in the corner of my cell, talking of "footsteps". "Get me out of here, Jack", I tried to plead with my eyes, but my voice talked only of "footsteps". 

When my mind became clear, I called for Jack, and he came running, standing there looking at me, wanting to believe. "Well, he does have a goa'uld" is what I said out loud, trying to warn of the danger to Teal'c, but my eyes were saying "get me out of here, Jack", and this time, My Love walked slowly to me, never losing contact with my eyes. He put his hand on my cheek, caressing it gently with his thumb, still looking in my eyes. "Get me out of here, Jack", I finally said out loud. "We have to get to Teal'c." 

Jack was frozen, lost in thoughts of how he had left me behind, again, by his way of thinking. We went back to the SGC. Janet was stunned. I was already so "normal" and thinking clearer than she could ever have imagined, even though I was still dealing with the drugs she and Quack McKenzie had given me. When the day was done, everyone was saved. 

I almost lost My Jack to the same thing that briefly took me away from him, but Janet and Sam figured out a solution, and then we were able to treat Teal'c so that he would be okay. No one felt like doing reports, and fortunately, the general agreed to give us some time. I stood at Teal'c's bedside later, just watching, thinking, remembering, trying to feel myself again, when I felt him, My Heart, standing in the doorway, watching, thinking, remembering, wondering what he could possibly say or do to make us "right" again. 

I turned and met his gaze head on, and again I said with my eyes, "get me out of here, Jack", and he did, though still riddled with the belief that he could and should have done more. Maybe he could have, maybe he should have, but our cup is always half full, and I reminded him of that on the drive home. 

At a stop light, he turned and looked at me, and I placed my hand atop his. "We're okay, Jack". We were, but I had a hard time convincing Jack of that. I kept trying to make him believe, but he wouldn't listen. We had been home for a few days, but still, the man I love was silent and withdrawn, taking care of me but refusing to let me take care of him, until finally I pushed him, as he had done so often with me, and I made him talk, revealing his pain and regret. 

"You never left me alone, Danny. I remember how you wouldn't leave me when Thor's buddies downloaded all that ... whatever ... into my brain. You stood up to Hammond, followed me around everywhere. Why'd I leave you, Danny? How could I ever leave you in a place like that, even for a day, even for an hour?". 

"It's not the same thing, Jack." 

"Yes, it is, Daniel. You stuck to me like glue. I....I...." 

"Jack, it's over, and when it mattered, you were there, and you fought McKenzie and .." 

"Daniel, for crying out loud, stop defending me. I let you down. I left you behind, again." 

"No, Jack, you didn't. You risked everything for me. When you came back and heard what I said, you didn't question it, Jack. You knew I was telling the truth, and you took me out of there, scared McKenzie out of 10 years of his life with that "touch him and you die" glare you gave him as we walked out of the hospital, and risked your career." 

"My career? Daniel, I didn't risk anything. You saved yourself, and Teal'c, and all I did was come along for the ride." 

My Jack. He doesn't know I knew, but Sam had told me before we left the mountain. "Daniel, I think you need to know what the colonel, what Jack was about to do before we got the call from the hospital." I listened, not sure what Sam could be about to say that would be so earth-shattering to make her nervous. She was almost shaking. "I didn't know whether or not to try and talk him out of it, Daniel. I didn't know what you'd want me to do, or what you'd want the colonel to do." 

I was still sitting, listening, wondering what Jack could possibly have almost done to make Sam look so off-balance. "He was going to tell the general, Daniel ... about you and him, and he was going to take you away from McKenzie and the SGC and do whatever he had to do to take care of you, no matter what the cost. They told us there wasn't much hope for you, Daniel, and the colonel....Jack, said he couldn't let you stay there, alone like that." 

I was totally unnerved, not certain if my own shaking was a result of the diminishing drugs or Sam's revelation. "Why, Sam, why would he do that?" 

"Oh Daniel, don't you know why? He loves you. He told me that the only reason he was still active in the air force was because of you, and what SG-1 can accomplish to protect Earth and learn what we can to help other worlds who are worse off than we are in fighting the goa'uld. He quoted you, Daniel. Remember what you said to the general when you were the only one who could communicate with the colonel? You said, 'I can't leave him like this, and I won't'. That's what the colonel said to me, Daniel, and it's what he said he was going to General Hammond. I tried to tell him to wait, that we'd figure out what was wrong, to give it time, but he wouldn't listen. He couldn't shake that image of you in that place, and how they wouldn't even let you have your glasses. It was haunting him, Daniel, He wouldn't listen to me. He was going to tell Hammond after we checked on Teal'c, to tell him that he loved you, and no one was going to keep you locked up and drugged. He was going to take you home and do whatever he had to do. He typed up his letter of resignation; I think it's still in his pocket, but then McKenzie called, and .... well, you know what happened next." 

My Jack. He's full of surprises. Oh, how I love him, my not-so-hardened marshmallow of a soul mate. 

I was smiling, a big huge grin of a smile, looking pretty goofy, I'm sure, but I was remembering Sam's words, and my insides were on fire thinking about just how much I love this man that so many don't understand, and while I stood there looking like the Cheshire cat, My Jack stared. 

Then I laughed, a laughter full of joy and the knowledge that the marshmallow in question is mine, mine, mine, and I'm going to keep him, not ever going to let him go, and certainly not because of some full-of-himself shrink or some invention-fighting overachiever. 

I guess what I'm saying is that we can only do our best in this twilight zone of a life that My Love and I share. Neither of us are perfect. If I let myself dwell on the negative, I have to admit to open hostility towards Quack McKenzie, to feelings of letdown and disappointment in Janet for being so quick to ship me off to the nuthouse, and, deep sigh, I can't repress the old abandonment issue. 

Jack left me there, in that place, alone, scared, cold. If I let that be my focus, my cup is half empty. But my toasty marshmallow, My Jack, he came back, and he believed me, comforted me, and he gave me space to sort through the nightmare, and that was perhaps the hardest thing he did in the aftermath of the padded cell, letting me be, to find me again. And when I did rediscover myself, I found My Soulmate, the person I trusted more than any other being in the universe, the one who makes me feel safe and treasured, the man who was still torturing himself silently for not being all knowing and all powerful, for not standing up to Quack McKenzie, to Janet, for not demanding that they look harder to find the answer. My Jack. 

I planted him to the wall, still laughing as I started to taste him, as he momentarily wondered if maybe I wasn't as okay as he thought, but then I told him I knew, that Sam had told me. He was torn between wanting to kill Sam or give in to the ravishing that was taking over our very motivated bodies. I didn't give him much time to debate; we ignored any attempt to get to the bedroom, unable to contain ourselves and the sensations of our bodies. Time to dwell on the positive, not the negative. 

Remember that Carribbean trip we sent Sam on? Once the drugs were completely out of my system, and I was officially certified as "whole", I surprised My Jack with a holiday of our own, two weeks alone, where we left Ma'chello's inventions, head doctors, and military regs far behind, focusing only on making sure that Jack and Daniel were also certified as "whole". Two weeks of intense lovemaking and the study of biology, our biologies, and then we returned to the SGC, sporting big grins, which probably wasn't the smartest way to be, but we couldn't help it. 

We smiled so much that Sam had to work overtime in the rumors department, when she wasn't giggling behind our backs. "Holy Hannah, Daniel, what on earth did you two do on vacation to be so, so, so...." I just smiled some more, and Sam did it again, she blushed. Okay, so sometimes, we weren't such great actors; sometimes, it just didn't seem important enough to deny how happy we were, even if Kinsey was spying on us. Our rainbow was radiating, and our love had blossomed beyond imagination. We were Jack and Daniel, in love, in want, in need of each other. We were us. There was no such thing in our reality of a cup that wasn't at least half full. 

But as if separation, the NID, and white walls wasn't enough for one year, we still had one final challenge. I became invisible, and this time, I did get mad at Jack. "Goodnight, Sir?" "Wha....That's it? What happened to working through the night. I'd do it for you." 

I had done it for him, many times, Antartica and Edora immediately popping into my mind. If I hadn't been invisible, I might really have strangled him. I went from shock to anger to ..... oh Jack. They don't understand what they can't see, and they can't see what I would see next. "It's okay, Love. You'll find me. We'll figure it out, Jack. I'm not really gone; I"m right here. I'll be back, Jack. I need to see Nick. Hush, Love. It's going to be okay." 

And with a new desperation, I did go to see Nick, not sure why, but more determined to find a way home, to my home that is My Jack's arms. I had no idea why I believed Nick held the key, but I did, and before I knew what was happening, we were engaged in a conversation. Wait, wasn't I invisible? 

"You can see me?" I exclaimed with amusement, shock, and energy that came from some place I couldn't identify within myself. And then finally, My Love knew I was back, and soon, we were home. Nick was gone again, but Nick had always been gone. I had called him "grandpa" for the first time, but I wasn't sure why. Even when I spoke the word, it felt strange. It sounded forced, even though I hadn't intended it to be that way. 

I can't blame Nick for abandoning me to chase his dream, but I .... sometimes my inner child still cries, still hungers for what I missed out on - a home. And then it hit me, like a meteor blazing through the sky. My Jack was here, holding on to me, kissing me, loving me. Why was I feeling abandoned when here, before me, was My Jack, my human blanket, waking up my senses, reminding me what "home" meant, and home meant My Jack. 

Hours earlier he was mirroring my body from the padded cell, hunched in a corner, saying what was barely a whisper, "Footsteps, Danny; I need to hear your footsteps, need to see your blue eyes, need to feel your hands. Footsteps." I thought my heart would crumble into 1000 pieces watching my lover so desolate, with no one there to help, but that was then, and now I was back. "Can you hear me now, Jack? Can you see me, Love?" Oh yeah, he could see me. We'd both be seeing stars soon, but in the here and now, we heard and saw nothing but each other, nothing but love, as once again, we grounded ourselves to eternity. 

Much of our fifth year together has already been discussed, but like some of powerpoint presentations, there's always more (but don't tell Jack I made fun of my own briefings; they are some of my best "get even" maneuvers). So, as I was saying, we began our anniversary celebration in the infirmary. It had been three years since General Hammond spoke the words that made Jack believe in miracles. "SG-1, there's someone who'd like to see you." 

Every year, on the date of my return from presumed death, my romantic fisherman makes sure we have downtime so we can spend a couple of days drinking in nothing but the sweet smells and tastes of our union. This particular year, we had planned a trip to the cabin for recreation that did not include fishing. Most people thought I was going to New York, to visit the museum where my parents had died and do some soul-searching and remembering. The entire facility knew Jack was going fishing; he had been asking everyone in sight to go with him for days. Fortunately, after Teal'c's experience fishing with Jack, no one ever wanted to go near the cabin, to fish or otherwise. 

We were packed and doing some spontaneous recreation, when it happened. My poor love! He had such plans for us, had me where he wanted me, and then, instead of seeing stars, I saw blackness, nothing but the dark. My Jack was paler than I was; he thought he had killed me, but as it turned out, it was my appendix, which Janet removed quickly enough. 

Of course, she couldn't understand why My Colonel and I had different versions of how and when the pain made itself known (a slight problem; we didn't have time to compare, er create a reasonable story for exactly what we were doing, where we were doing it, and why .... oh forget it. It was embarrassing, and Janet finally gave up). 

We out bantered Napoleon, using the best shots we could come up with, and totally ignoring anything that came anywhere near to the realm of reason or logic. She withdrew, with a frustrated and very knowing look that said, "you two have been up to something and I will find out what eventually". 

We were still quaking from the unspoken threat of our next post-mission exams when My Jack suddenly calmed himself with a final shudder of the shoulders, and then, after a quick look around, he leaned over and kissed me, hard and possessively, and then soft and lovingly. "You scared me, Danny. Don't do that again." 

"Sorry, Jack, I'll try to not to," I responded as my lover backed away slightly in case someone walked in. "So much for our trip to the cabin," he sighed. 

"You should go, Jack; I have to stay here anyway. I want you to go, Love." 

"Trying to get rid of me, Space Monkey?" 

"Never, but it'll be good for you, and since we've been so bold lately, it might help alleviate some of the gossip. Everyone knows you've been planning this trip. It'll make Kinsey and his pack suspicious if you suddenly cancel just because I'm laid up with this." 

"Danny, you're more important...." 

"I know that; I do. But go, Jack. Just for a few days, and then you can come back and bore me for weeks with fish stories." 

"Daniel?" 

"Jack?" 

"Bore you? When do I ever bore you? Am I boring you now? You really do want me to go, don't you?" 

Oops, my sulky love was being oversensitive and I wondered whatever would I do with him? Well, actually, I knew what I was going to do with him, but at the time, I was in no condition to do much more than try to soothe his worried brow. I had forgotten. I almost died ... again ....and My Jack doesn't handle it well when I die, er, almost die. 

A quick check of the perimeter indicated we were still very much alone, Napoleon long gone, so I reached out and pulled My Jack to me, massaging his neck as I placed my lips on his and demanded entry into his mouth. I tried to deliver my answer to his question as best I could, considering I could barely move. As I was about to suffocate, I released him. 

"Does that answer your question?" 

"No," he continued to sulk, before showing me that favorite grin of mine. "I don't know, Danny. I don't want to leave you. It feels wrong." 

"Why don't you think about it tonight. Maybe you can even ask Sam to go." 

"Daniel!" 

"Jack, the game, remember." 

"The game. Yes, I remember, but I'd rather stay here with you and kiss your scar." 

"Ow! Don't even think about it, Jack. Now, it's late. Go home, get some rest, and think about going to the cabin, at least for a few days." 

"You have a one track mind, Jackson. Okay, you win, but I won't like it." 

Then, My Love and I said goodbye, stealing another kiss, not realizing it was to be our last touch for weeks. The replicators were jeopardizing our world, and the survivor of our friend, Thor. We thought we had won, and then, it got worse. 

Finally, it came down to "blow it". My Jack had just ordered me to kill him. It was more than I could bear, but I couldn't let the replicators eat him alive. "Davis, give the order". My head was throbbing. I actually cried, right there in front of everyone. 

"Okay. Okay." I finally said. It seemed that somehow an archaeologist suddenly ranked higher than major in the air force. No one, not a single military personnel present in the facility was daring to give the order to destroy the submarine My Jack was on, unless I said it was okay. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and then, My Love disappeared before my eyes, beamed up to Thor's ship and again, I cried. 

Sigh, so much for squashing the rumors. Sam would have to work overtime from now on. I felt like I had let Jack down, being so emotional, but he wasn't angry. He just smiled and held me, his fingers carding through my hair, light kisses on my head as I nuzzled into him. "I'm proud of you, Danny, and by the way, just exactly how close was Major Davis sitting to you anyway?" 

"Jack!" 

"Just asking, Daniel, and wondering where the good major would be most effectively used. He apparently has some talents I wasn't aware of until now, and...." 

**"JACK!"**

"Shhh, Danny. I was only saying that he is a man of many skills, and I think I should make sure he gets to use those skills where it will be safe." 

"Safe for who, Jack?" 

"Safe for Major Davis, Daniel". 

My Jack had that look, and as I said earlier, much earlier (I really do talk too much), that's the how and why of Paul's reassignment to Elmendorf where he would be safe ... not from the goa'uld, but from My Jack. 

Back to work. I already mentioned Euronda and the Zatarc mess, but then there was the time loop business. The kiss Jack planted on Sam landed me breakfast in bed and control of the television, ie no hockey or ESPN, for a month; Sweet! ... And as for Sam, Jack had to actually listen to her explain whatever needed explaining, without interruption for the same period of time; needless to say, SG-1's fearless leader learned his lesson, though he was pretty much a grizzly bear for several weeks, until he began making a habit of eating his breakfast in bed, too, only I was his breakfast, making it very difficult for me to eat my waffles; I was too ... distracted; next time, I will have to come up with something less tempting as his punishment. 

Where was I? Oh yes, then we jumped out of a plane, which landed me another month of TV control during which my parachuting lover had to pay attention and pass the nightly quiz of what we had learned on the Discovery and/or Learning Channel before he was allowed to play with his archaeologist. No passing grade, no archaeologist. You'll be pleased to know my "dumb" colonel had a perfect score, which proves you can't judge a colonel by his yadda yaddas! 

Somehow, I talked My Jack into letting me go on a dig with SG-11. It turned out to be a costly excavation. Robert died, and it was hard to lose another friend, and My Love was none too happy about my almost being Chaka's dinner, but some more reassurances, and we were ready to face the next foe, most of which I've already discussed so I won't repeat myself now, but Kinsey was still out there, and the policies that govern the SGC had been changing. 

It wasn't good, but My Jack and I determined to continue on, making sure we remembered who we were at night, just Jack and Daniel, for always and forever. We didn't think anything could ever threaten our cohesiveness again. Surely, after having survived these trials, these tests of our five years together, three of which were spent as partners, as lovers, as "us", My Jack and I would be prepared for anything, or so we thought. 

They don't understand how two people so different can be so happy and so together for so long. This time, we didn't understand either, didn't understand how great the risk was, the risk of loving and losing, of not granting ourselves our individuality, or maybe that's because we forgot we were individuals, as well as "us". 

When Reese entered our world, we came the closest we had ever come to losing it. Our differences collided in the gate room. I needed two more minutes. I didn't get it. I was angry. No, I was furious, and I was furious at that stupid s.o.b. whom I had snuggled with just hours before the replicators became a threat again. He didn't understand, and I couldn't make him understand. Reese was important; the key to understanding the replicators. Why couldn't he see that, and why couldn't he give me just a couple more minutes. 

He stood there, quiet and confident, apologizing for something he viewed as only a machine, totally unaware of the concept of different lifeforms. "Why Jack? Why can't I get you to understand?", I had wanted to ask him, but what would have been the point. All I could do was swear and call him a stupid s.o.b. He left to attend to his duties, and I sat and sulked in my righteous anger. 

It was quite a while later when I finally could hear and admit the truth. We didn't have more time. The countdown was on. Why hadn't Jack told me that? Why couldn't he explain we were down to 55 seconds? I wasn't listening, that's why. I was too busy being self-involved in the moral right of the universe. 

We didn't even have a minute. If Jack hadn't succeeded, My Love would be dead, and so would I ... and everyone else at the SGC we cared about. 55 seconds. "Oh Jack, how could I say I'm sorry now?", I wondered. 

My Jack says I'm always right. He's wrong. That day, I was wrong, and I unleashed my fury, unjustly, on him, on My Jack, on the one person who loves me unconditionally. How could I be his conscience if I couldn't be understanding and tolerant of his place in our universe? He told me he gave me all the time he could. I doubted him. I had always said he doubted me, not giving me the respect I was due, and there we were, the tables turned. 55 seconds. 55 seconds. I had messed up again. 

It was a long, tedious day, taking hours to make sure the base was clear, the debriefing, Janet tending to my wrist. Jack gaped openly when he saw my bandaged wrist at the debrief. He had no clue I was hurt. I managed to get him to look at me, tried to say "I'm sorry" but I couldn't read him right then. 

I had no idea if he understood, so I tried to say it during my part of the report. "I thought I had more time. I was wrong. Jack gave me as much time as he could, and while I do believe Reese was shutting them down, I don't think she would have been able to do so before the self-destruct. We needed a couple more minutes; we just didn't have them." 

I looked at Jack and said with my eyes "Let's go home, Jack. Please take me home." I got a nod back, unnoticeable to anyone else. The general wrapped up the meeting. We got two days downtime to regroup, and I had plans, plans for one air force colonel being spoiled rotten by one very apologetic linguist. We rode home in silence, but once inside, My Love took my hand, held it up, and placed it to his heart. "Why didn't you tell me you were hurt, Danny?" 

"I was too angry, Jack. I'm sorry." 

"Daniel..." 

"No, Jack. I meant what I said at the debriefing to General Hammond. I thought I had more time. I know what you think about Reese, but she was shutting them down. She would have done it, Jack. I'm totally convinced of that, but we didn't have the time. I .. I understand that now." 

He was still holding my hand to his heart, and we were almost inside each other as we stood. He smiled and kissed me tenderly. 

"Bed", he stated, not asking. 

"Bed" I answered, with my own smile, stating, not asking. 

True to my inner promise, I spent the next 48 hours making a king of My Jack. He felt horrible about leaving me in the gateroom and not checking to see if I was injured or not, but I wouldn't let him have that guilt. I didn't let him see I was hurt; I didn't want his compassion. Sigh. I only wanted to hurt him because he had hurt me, or so I let myself think. Sometimes, I can be very stupid for a genius! 

The episode with Reese scared us back to another reality, that we were hiding in plain sight but playing a dangerous game, and why? It was unresolved, and there was undiscussed tension about it. We didn't understand it, so we knew no one else could either. 

The strangest thing happened next. We had a dream, and when I say "we", that's what I mean, "we". The Reese thing was over and done with. My Jack and I knew we'd always have differences on how we look at things and how we should get from point a to point b, and we're okay with that. But we still had the old NID stuff haunting us. Did we want to go on like this? 

"Dreams teach", Shifu had said. He's right. I've chosen lots of paths in my life, including the one that lead me to the stargate, to Sha're, and to Jack... My Jack, who loves me like no one else ever has. I don't know where he gets his barrel of understanding from, but somehow, where I'm concerned, the barrel is always full of patience or whatever Jack needs in order to be with me or help me. 

Okay, so he isn't easy either. We both have these hidden pieces of our souls that have been covered with hurt or loneliness or fears. We've done a good job of keeping them in check, of sending as many of them on their merry way as we could. Every time we survived a test, another piece went floating away, leaving us more in tune, more at peace, more together in our foreverness of our love. 

Still, it's hard to get rid of something that haunts you from the time you were 8 years old, of wanting, of needing, of believing that someone loves you, cares for you, needs you, wants you, believes in you. My Jack told me once, "I don't always sound like I believe you, but I do believe in you." I almost cried right then and there. I had once told Shyla that I never felt like I belonged anywhere, never fit in. It was still true, except that I had Jack and I knew I belonged with him ... but still, I wondered why he loved me. I hadn't really done that much; the geek who had become a soldier for the man he loved. 

We had gone to bed, too tired to do anything but cuddle up and kiss for a bit, and then we were out for the count. Mr. Sandman had come and done his thing. I drifted but it seemed so real. We were on a planet, Kelowna. There was this kid, well not really a kid, just someone even younger than me who smiled a lot. He smiled at everything. I bet he was smiling ....no, I'm being facetious and I shouldn't be. 

There was an accident and I was exposed to radiation, severe radiation. I guess you could say I was the hero, saving the planet and all of that stuff, and yet the Kelownians weren't really very grateful. In fact, they tried to blame the whole thing on me, and where was I? Dying, slowly, from radiation with My Jack looking older and more withdrawn than I'd ever seen him. Our forever was going to end, until suddenly, it didn't. Well, it did, but it didn't. 

Talk about not understanding, I was stunned. I was dying but suddenly I was talking to the glowing essence that was apparently Oma DeSala, the one and the same Oma who was caring for Shifu, as in "dreams teach" Shifu. She was luring me with this stuff about another plane of existence where we could continue our journey. What I didn''t understand is ... why would I want to continue my journey without Jack? 

I was obviously more out of it than I realized, as suddenly I was focusing on my issues of abandonment and belonging and making a difference. I had decided I didn't belong anywhere. I actually convinced the love of my life to stop Jacob from healing me. I'll never forget his face, but Jack, he can't deny me anything, so he didn't deny me this. He didn't realize that all he had to do was say "Don't go, Danny" and I wouldn't have .. not ever, but he thought this was what I wanted, and I let him. I still don't know why. Why would I do that? I didn''t understand. 

Suddenly, Jack was in a cell somewhere, being tortured for information. I defied Oma and went to him, refusing to let him suffer. I wanted him to come with me, but he didn't believe he was good enough. Now that was a joke. I was only there because I didn't think I was good enough for the living, and there he was saying that he wasn't me, not good enough to be ascended like me. Whoa, Jack, where had we taken such a wrong turn? 

Somehow, I silently communicated an "inspiration", a plan, to Sam and Teal'c and even to the smiling kid whom My Jack barely tolerated as a "member" of SG-1 in my place. Jack was finally safe. 

Other stuff happened, and eventually we were back on Abydos which was in trouble, being on the verge of attack by Anubis. Again, I defied the glowing one (why did I think this Oma was so great anyway?) and went to Jack who was being a little snarky with me. I couldn't blame him. I couldn't even die right so he could get on with his life. I was like ... well... I guess I was haunting him, never letting him forget me. 

I convinced My Colonel to go to Abydos, and then he did what I wished he would have done when Oma first punched her way into my weakness. "Cross it", he said. It was so simple, so clear. I simply sighed and took a breath and said "okay", and there you have it, I was crossing that line so swiftly and defiantly that Oma had to kick me out (please please please please please .. I had never wanted to be a failure so badly in my life as I did at that moment ... let me fail at being a glowy thingy, please!). I wanted to save Skaara and the others, but I couldn't. I crossed the line, and Oma stopped me from destroying Anubis. 

Time passed, and the next thing I knew I was naked on some planet and I didn't even know who I was. When Jack finally found me, I called him Jim and couldn't even remember his birthday. But I did remember. I looked in his eyes, and I remembered everything. I realized that my journey was really our journey, that I have always belonged here, with Jack because as much as he is My Jack, I am His Daniel. Why did I keep forgetting that? Why didn't I realize that as precious as he is to me, that is what I am to him? I do belong, here, with SG-1, with My Jack. I am important. With my team, I've saved worlds and more people than could ever be imagined. I am respected and loved and admired. I do have a wonderful life, just as much as Jimmy Stewart ever did! He is My Jack, and I am His Daniel. 

Suddenly, I awakened, and Jack did, too. We looked at each other, trying to focus, to find clarity of mind. "What... what was that?" We both asked in unison, neither of us sure if it was real or a dream. We questioned each other over and over, and discovered we had had the same dream, from different points of view. It seemed crazy, but everything matched and fell into place. 

"Danny, you wouldn't really ever leave me like that, would you? I'd be so lost without you, going through motions, existing, but not living. Please tell me, Danny, you know how much I love you, and how much we all need and respect you." 

"Ask me to stay, Jack." 

"Stay, Danny. Stay for always and forever." 

"I'll stay, Jack. I love you. I belong here. I know that now. I'll never leave you, not ever." 

We kissed and that lead to other things that took us to a bout of pleasure that filled us over and over again until we couldn't move an inch, except to hold each other close. 

When we finally did wake for the day, we talked again about everything that had happened during the course of our relationship. All the miscommunications, the influences, the fears, the joys, the pleasures. There was no arguing, only a review of who we are, where we are, and what we want. We are Jack and Daniel, together forever, and that's really all we want. We decided we still needed to continue our work and since "don't ask, don't tell" continued to rule the roost, we still couldn't share our love with the outside world, but we wouldn't play the game anymore. If the NID or worse wanted us, fine, bring it on, but no more. We had love and respect, and we weren't going to hide it anymore. Let the world think what it wanted to. No more hiding, not of our friendship ... never again. 

An amazing thing happened when we did actually end up touching base with a world called Kelowna and sure enough, there was that smiling kid. My Jack, though, hauled me off for downtime, telling the general that we were going on vacation and that he and I would have nothing to do with Kelowna at this point in time, and that if he didn't like it, we'd retire. 

Personally, I thought he overreacted, but My Love had me back through the gate, changed from the BDU's to civvies, and out of the meeting with Hammond in about 20 minutes, and that has to be a record. Hammond just stood there, stunned. He never had a chance with My Jack ... my very overprotective "No, Daniel, you aren't setting foot on the planet ever again" Jack. To be honest, I didn't want to. Let someone else save Kelowna. I was choosing another path. Maybe the smiling kid who tried to take my place in our dream could be the hero this time. 

The other amazing thing is that from time to time things pop up that were in this dream, and somehow, it gives us an advantage. My Jack and I just look at each other when it happens, an almost telepathic "this is weird but let's go with it" occurs, and this time around, we do whatever it is that makes it right. And as for that respect thing, I'm getting it, from all over the place now. I think My Jack had a private talk with some people and said enough with the jokes and such. He won't admit it, but he has that glint in his eye, that one of pride ... in me. Imagine that. In me! How could I ever think of being a glowy thingy? I make sure I talk to Sam and Teal'c, letting them know that I love them, and that I know they are my family, and that what we are doing is important, and that I belong. "I guess I ... I should be thanking you", I eventually tell them both. 

Just this week, on our most recent mission, My Love and I almost lost each again. Sam said I was like a lifeboat, as some twelve different beings made a home in my brain. I struggled to break through, to get free, to be heard. There were so many voices in my head - an aristrocrat, a worker, even a child. But nowhere could I hear the one voice I wanted to hear more than life itself, but I felt him. 

As I struggled to keep myself together, to keep my mind separated from my "guests", I knew he was there, and when I was finally able to break through, to let Janet know I was still present and accounted for, I saw him, watching, longing, searching my eyes for reassurance I would keep my promise, and not leave him. 

Sam figured out a way, and finally I awoke, hearing my lover's mocking voice at last, along with the rest of SG-1 and Janet. "Daniel?" He was scared, again. "Jack" It's okay, Love, I'm back. I had to say it with my eyes, had to let him know. He came so close to me, wanting, needing to touch, and not being able to. Eyes were watching. My eyes said "take me home, Jack. I have plans for us tonight". I saw the gleam in his eyes, knowing that soon we'd once again ground ourselves to our reality of "us", and give thanks to whomever should be thanked for our being together. We are stronger than ever now, more sure and confident of our place with one another. He is My Jack. I am His Daniel. 

They don't understand, but finally, in totality, My Jack and I do. My journey is our journey, the one joined of two hearts and two minds, and even two souls, that have incorporated themselves into one entity. My Jack and I are a nation of two, he and I. As long as we have each other, we have all our nation needs. We are each other's air and water, the sky and the earth. We are our rainbows that shine after our tears and during our brightest moments of our love. I belong here. I matter here. I am important here. My Jack belongs here. He matters here. He is important here. In the end, we still bicker and annoy. We always will. We still argue and disagree, but as always, our cup will be half full, and never half empty. 

We will continue with the SGC until the time is right for us to leave, together. We are getting some of the wonder back that we had lost from having to play the game, and it feels good, for both of us. So, for now, we will keep on keeping on, exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations, boldly going where no one has gone before. Oh geez, I have been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much. No, I take that back. There's no such thing as too much of My Jack. 

They don't understand as they look through the fragility of the window, but I do, because in the end, I love him with all my heart and soul, and My Jack loves me the same way, and it's really as simple as that. We love. If you can't see it, that's okay. We know it's there. It's been there from the beginning when I lied that I could bring us home from Abydos, and it's there, burning brightly today, almost eight years later. The air force colonel and the geek. Jack and Daniel, "us", together for always and forever. Who would have thought it? 

The End ... until next week's episode!   
  


* * *

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Orrymain


End file.
